My time line can't concern.
The moss found you. So where's your cadence? Will you be sheltered far off? That is seemingly the constant pressure behind your melody. The first forced slice of disappointment and your melting into shadow. You're not sure why it happens this way - but it does. Its as if you have some sense that informs you, tells you, or even tricks you into thinking things are not what they seem - or maybe you just like to reroute your mental processing to think that: The things you think are not what they are... really, actually, are. Its this deceptive motif that shakes your core. You're simply accounting for your limbs while being frozen to the face of the earth. You gave up control long ago.
You want to line everything up perfectly. The stars and planets do so - why cant we all? We too, exist here in this gravity.
All stars die out some time.
(They sleep out in space, hypoxic.. Do you realize how big this place is..? Do they even realize their perfection over such expansive emptiness? Spinning and twirling endlessly. Yet, they take big hits - ponderous and piercing asteroid do your worst. )
Or can you look at it as: They only line up like that every once in a great while...?
Take the good with the bad, man.
The bad with the good.
Its taken you a long time to fit this into sonic space:
[Lapse]: Ancient Root
I'm sorry if i've continually been sour with you. You can't blame me though. It's just how things ended mostly unfair, but most of our relationship was unfair due to my part and always stretching to see you when I could.
ReplyDeleteNo, I suppose people really don't go into these 'things' thinking about how or when things will fall apart on them. Especially not everything else around them.
And, no, I don't think the world will end in 2012 and if it does then to hell with it. I didn't get everything out of this world that I wanted so I suppose i'll just die unhappy, awe.
Life is so complicated . .more so when you experience more and more so when you experience all different levels of kindness and hatred. All is well . .but I still have mending to do with myself, always it seems.
You're like some super intellectual now.
Or maybe i've just dumbed myself down.
I hate when I typo or use one line twice on accident. like 'when you experience more and more so when you experience . .' LOL [ appropriate ]. Heh, anyways. . I hope YOU have found some love and happiness . .everyone deserves it afertall.
ReplyDeleteAftertall. Nevermind. xD
ReplyDeleteFuck this seriousness.
You can be as sour as you want. It doesn't really matter. I was a dick a lot of the time. Entering reclusivity. Not being open. I do think things could have been different had I understood forgiveness. I still miss you at times.
ReplyDeleteYeah, if the world does end. Oh well. Everyone's going under. Then perhaps a new intelligent race will be spawned and do a bit better. If you die happy, or unhappy - I'm not really sure if it matters. Assuming you think that death is simply the extinguishing of the consciousness and such. Then, really, you wouldn't really remember being happy or unhappy.
I would imagine that if life is so complicated - then death must be simple. There's always a that black and white, right? Then again, i wouldn't know anything about these things. I have yet to check it out. Or, someone has yet to come back from it.
I don't hate you anymore. If that makes anything feel better.
"Super Intellectual"? I don't know about that. Why do you think that? I can write things, make things, create, whatever. I can't really hold any sort of meaningful conversations with much of anyone anymore. At least. That's what I've felt for a while. It all feels messy and sloppy. I've felt very dumbed down / vacant or something. I have a hard time recalling things anymore. I was going to write something about that soon.
LUL @ Yer typo's.
LUL, hah, where'd you get that one from? Can only imagine.
ReplyDeleteLife is so amazingly confusing. You think you get the hang of it until you're pretty much knocked upside your head from out of nowhere and your whole world seems a mess again. It's sad really. But, then again if you choose to surround yourself with sadness and bad memories I guess you just choose to be sad? You don't have to say you miss me, because I don't know if you did or do. That's all confusing. You can love more than one person, but I don't know how you stop loving someone.
I do miss you at times too. Mentally . .The things we'd share together and laughs. I was genuinely happy when I was WITH you, but not apart. I miss you more mentally than sexually or anything of that sort, you know what I mean, not saying it wasn't everything I wanted, but we had something more than just THAT. Which . .I was so happy for.
It's never too late I guess. In life. People make mistakes, but you can get out of them or just lie in the shit you shat. Shit you shat, LUL. My Mom recently moved out and pretty much seperated from my Dad and my youngest brother went with her and my oldest stayed with my Dad, because he feels bad if he left him all alone. When in all truth . .he just was never meant to be a father in my opinion or he lacked that mental capability in his lifetime, which is very very very devastatingly sad to me. Some people just . .miss that train. So he turned back to alcohol. All I can say is goodbye Dad. I remember writing him a letter back in December or January 2009 saying that I was sorry we never spent time together and he's the only father I ever known and we should spend more father-daughter time . .but I guess it's gone now.
Life likes to fuck you in the back of the head like that I guess. So many fucked up tears and for what? No one to care . .I care so much about everything and for nothing. I have a big heart for nothing it seems. To be fucked over and to feel pain and sadness. It's like K THX for having me this way.
But, my goal is . .I only have one life, so i'm going to make it count and try my damned best to be happy and surround myself with things that make me smile. Or fall in love.
Thanks for not hating you anymore. I never hated YOU . .I just hated the things you said to me and hated the way it made me feel . .or I made myself feel . .I never hated you.
I meant January 2008 . .December 2007 when I was still in Iraq. Writing letters, duh. Hand written.
ReplyDeleteOh and .. I dunno why i just don't re-read this crap before I post it, sorry. :|
ReplyDelete* Thanks for not hating ME. I meant.
You know. It is hard for me to talk because the hurt I thought was gone, but it's not. It's like a big shadow. I dunno. Bigger things have come though. Matured. You think you know someone and then your heart just drops. Being lied to does suck. I guess getting hurt is what life is all about and I guess you have to be down to deal with that if you want to live. . I don't understand how people can be so heartless. I guess when you barely know someone you can be. Reading old e-mails from your significant others accounts . .and such. Like while I was in Iraq emails, things they'd lied about and never confessed and having to find out does suck. It's like your world was just set to spin mode and you can't stop the feeling of vertigo.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had someone to talk to.
But this was before we were even dating I had discovered . . and some lie he'd held in because if he'd told me I wouldn't have seen him anymore . .and he wanted to continue to see me when he fell for me. But, if i'd known back then, the truth, about what i'd asked him then I would have just completely stopped seeing him. But, here we are and I asked him face to face everything and why he did this and why he said that and he answered completely and honestly to my face and I forgive him . .this was before we'd loved eachother. [ Just like another situation i'd come to when we were dating, the whole John situation i'd held that i'd slept with him or that I hung out with him because I didn't want to hurt you and the New Years was nothing because I was alone and not interested, I just wanted to do something for New Years, but I understand how innocent it really was and how vile you made it seem. So relationship lessons do come in handy when someone like you and I have one. ]
ReplyDeleteSo I forgave him and no, i'm not going to bother him about it and I asked everything I needed to ask and wanted to. People do change and i'm glad I was there when it happened.
[ In reference to a bump in the road with Ben. ]
Well, I did forgive of course, because I am a very forgiving and understanding person when it comes to certain situations. If he lets me down in the future, well shame on me? But, oh well. I might let him down who knows. But, i'm aiming towards not repeating my mistakes of course.
ReplyDeleteAnd that other post was just me being vague like I usually am when I try to explain things.
I keep listening to Metro Station's - Shake It.
It's so extremely gay, but it's like happy-esque.
I dunno if that a U2 lyric though, weird.
Anyways, Germany is awesome, but the Germans suck ass. They're all rude and loud and just super nosy.
And they hate us because we hate them. . .so we inhabit their towns. Oh well.
I dunno what to talk about.
But, yes, a face to face is much better than a phone that you can abuse. Like hanging up on that person or just ignoring phone calls so it looks like i'm Glenn Close from Fatal Attraction.
I always hated that about relationships and phones.
I dunno what else to say though. It's weird being friends and having significant others.
Yah-yah it was nice having that connection with you too.