"...Yet, after all, they too were unable to resist the law of the flowing 1/8-mm Sands"
- Kobo Abe; "Women in the Dunes".
So, I'm In chicago now. She called it all off. Woken up, early morning - would've been earlier had I woke up to the first call. Day of the move. Last day to see true friends. Taylors Birthday. What else can i say to make it sound more pitiful and dramatic?
I'm not sure if I should take this as a good thing. You know? Like a sort of "Clean Slate". As people suggested. I saw it coming, really. I'm not sure why I'm so put off. I suppose I jump at the first chance of affection. Especially when its been some time. You're in a new space, now. I cant resist the flow and must move in a continuous forward stream. It'll suck for a moment. I'll miss the people I left back in Dubuque more than some girl I jumped at for 2 months. Faux connections? Or just fantastical, unrealistic prospects? Illusory meanings? You surmised she was still in love with her Ex of many years. Rightfully so. You also couldn't expect her to really take that internship at some theater for a semester. Rightfully so. You really just wish she wouldn't have ever brought up the idea in the first place. Rightfully so, on my end. It was silly of you to think of anything but simple strides. You were just a trite casualty. Fair enough. You've gotta stop finding women when they're in some odd stage in their life - When they're in some weird transitional plane.
My plane is a vacant one.
I could use my friends, y'know. Its been a while since I've been this alone. It brings back bad feelings and memories. I keep recounting the past. I keep missing a lot of things. I'm going to miss all of them. I am grateful to have them, and had spent the time I did with them. They're all great individuals and have given me an uncountable amount of joy and help. I know they will all be fine. I just need to make sure I am. I need to do it for myself and for them. I'll let everyone down, again, if I don't stake out this planet.
I have to make this. I need to become something real. I need to look towads the future. It's seems so hard and unreal when I try to reroute my mental processings. You want so much to change something about yourself but it never seems to come, you never to seem to make that adjustment, even when you really try. Even when your fully aware of your faults and downfalls and what you need to fix. There is this thick, viscious, viscous substance clinging to your every conscious effort. It retracts and pulls you back in. Sucking you down. I've felt like a mess for what seems like the beginning of reasonable thinking. I am, too. Most of the time it seems like there's nothing to do but give up and adjust yourself to the inevitble and shifting flow. These physics dont wait for any one.
I need to stop focusing on how unfathomably big the universe is.
I need to stop wishing for, literally, the impossible.I need to stop questioning the validity of life:
I need to become real.
Real.
Real.
Real.
Whatever that is.
Sorry to hear about that. Honestly.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you 'got out'. I really am because YOU ARE much bigger than what you were 'in'. I guess I could say. I could always see that in you and wanted you to strive for that. I could see that light in you and what you are and can be capable of.
I know that feeling.
Alone, no friends. In a strange place, feeling lost and overhwelmed by so much change. I KNOW that feeling all too well, abrupt. Feeling abandoned with no one to spill anything to but maybe a Doc in the AID station.
So much for comfort, so much for 'friendship' whatever that means these days to people who OUTgrow whatever you had with them.
You always told me I was too emotional or worried too much. This is why. I keep moving and moving and I can never find 'home' or feel at peace with anything. I feel reckless and driven too many times over the edge of nothingness. For what? Heartache, paranoia, tears, false advertising.
Everyone sacrifices a bigger part of theirselves when they make that 'jump'. It hurts, it makes you feel like you shouldn't even be allowed with anyone, just alone.
I'm so glad your eyes are open . .as in a different place and different life. Not too different. I hope you make the most of Chicago. I always wanted to live there. It was a make-believe dream.
I never could have become what I wanted back in the day. A fashion designer. Jokes.
And by the way.
ReplyDeleteThis is HER loss.
Maybe its her loss, or not. Depends on how its all looked at. I really don't think it is her loss.
ReplyDeleteAh, it's alright, really. Was only 2 months. I shouldnt've expected more. This city's full of cuties anyhow..
You jump on that good connection, though. It'll get you. My head could've been in it. I will say.
I know you know this feeling, more so than anyone. More so then myself, even now. As I do have my friend Ryan.
I will say that after having holed up inside for a few days i finally ventured outside and began more job searching. I've begun (already) to enjoy my surroundings. There's a lot to take in. Its fun, new, exciting, etc.
I've met some cool people already and its been really fun. An adventure of sorts. I just hope it all ends well - has a good prospect.
Sorry I said you were too emotional or worried too much. I was most likely just trying to be some kind of dick. Either that, or part of the reason was because I felt like it was affecting our conversational flow.
Maybe you could live in Chicago someday? Germany's gotta be pretty great, though, too.
Maybe you could still go to school for fashion design? I'm not sure what keeps you back, precisely.
I never thought I'd make a move like this. I surprised myself, however.
Thank you for your words Angela. :)
ReplyDelete